Welcome, brave defender of the status quo! So, you've heard Ipswich is bidding for UK City of Culture 2029, and you're feeling that familiar urge to tell everyone why it's doomed? Fear not – this handy guide contains everything you need to sound authoritative while contributing absolutely nothing to society.
Essential arguments – pick at least three
We're not even a city lol
Perfect opener. Really shows you've done your research. It doesn't matter that we don't need to be a city to enter, nor that we won't become a city if we win. Bonus points if you add crying-laughing emojis.
What culture? 😂
Classic. Completely ignore our multiple landmark theatres, including the largest in the region that's just gone through a £3.5m transformation, our nationally-recognised dance school, our three dedicated music venues attracting world-class performers to the town every month, our marina, our historic town centre, our thriving arts scene and our many outstanding parks. If you haven't personally been to something, it doesn't exist.
The town's a dump
Essential. Now here's the clever bit: when someone suggests City of Culture could help regenerate the town, get really angry about them trying to solve the problem you just complained about. This is advanced trolling.
Waste of taxpayers money
Don't let actual taxpayers tell you that the bid is being funded by local organisations (like the football club you support) and that successful applicants receive funding to support their bid. Always respond to yay-sayers with animated gifs.
Fix the potholes instead
Don't let anyone explain it's central government funding specifically for cultural investment that can't be spent on potholes. Or that we only get the money if we win. Just keep repeating it. Loudly.
We won't win anyway
Self-fulfilling prophecy is your friend here. The logic is bulletproof: if we assume we'll fail and actively work against it, we definitely will fail, which proves you were right all along! And they think they're the smart ones.
Pro tips for maximum impact
Timing is everything: Comment within seconds of any positive post. Speed demonstrates that you definitely read and considered the information thoroughly and that your response is measured and informed.
ALL CAPS when necessary to show you mean business.
Ignore any responses that include facts, evidence or nuance. They're clearly the idiots.
Compare us to somewhere better: "Why can't we be more like [insert Suffolk market town]?" Geography and demographics are irrelevant. Don't consider that living near lots of nice places is actually a good thing.
The nuclear option: Tell everyone you can't wait to move away and leave this sh*thole. Note: You don't actually have to move. Just threaten it ominously.
What to avoid
Taking the time to understand what City of Culture is (and isn't)
Acknowledging that billions have been generated for previous winners
Considering that doing nothing guarantees nothing changes and that this is part of the solution to the very problems you're angry about
Self-awareness
Hope
Common sense
Remember
You're not being negative – you're being realistic. There's definitely no irony in spending your free time opposing regeneration opportunities while simultaneously complaining about decline. Keep up the good fight, warrior, and get out there and spread that misery! Those Facebook comments won't write themselves.
This article is satire. Please ignore it entirely and #BackTheBid instead. If you want me to continue spending my entire weekends enlightening and arguing with trolls, please consider supporting our journalism.
