Incel culture is often spoken about in headlines on the news, soaps like EastEnders and documentaries on Netflix like the popular show Adolescence. However, rarely do we ask how young boys are drawn into this poisonous culture, long before they understand they are engaging with it. I spoke to those affected to uncover how loneliness, algorithms and silence pull boys in and how compassion and awareness can pull them back.
"It felt like someone finally understood me"
At 13, he should be worrying about playing football and learning in school, yet Lucas – not his real name – found himself slowly slipping into the online culture of incels.
"I thought it was jokes at first…then it turned into people telling me how and what to think." What started as humour evolved into a harmful space of reinforcing negative stereotypes of the world, women and relationships.
Through social media algorithms, women were painted as something men deserved, and rejection was seen as destiny, with girls the root of the cause and then the enemy of men. These topics often get brushed under the rug, as if boys don't end up in these dangerous spaces.
We pretend they are too innocent, young and unaware. However, the truth is painfully clear: this boy didn't seek the content of incel culture; it found him. And his story is not unique.
Anger feels safer than vulnerability
The emotional hook of incel culture is simple: anger feels safer than vulnerability. These communities establish a culture of belonging for these boys, who are in awkward stages of their lives, such as puberty, where the transition from child to teenager begins. "It felt like someone finally understood me," affirmed Lucas.
Research shows that incel ideology is not monolithic; it is a multitude of reasons, from social media to physical environment, as to why boys are susceptible to falling into this culture.
Boys are constantly told that, whilst in these groups, they need to fit a certain standard for girls to consider them as romantic interests; this is commonly known as the "Chad". Chad is a term coined by incels, who believe the ideal man is not only physically attractive but also financially successful; he is someone with his options open. Many incels believe they will never reach this level of manhood.
A mother's love
I also spoke with the mother of Lucas, Maddie – also not her real name – to gain insight on both sides of the spectrum: those directly involved and those affected through association. She said: "I didn't realise how extreme these spaces had become." She expressed her worry about the inevitable moment when young boys feel alone and as if they have no support system, so they turn to social media, which can quickly become much more sinister and darker. "If a boy doesn't have anyone to talk to, they often turn to the internet for support."
The transformation of jokes to beliefs
Lucas described on numerous occasions how memes and jokes slowly changed into genuine thoughts and beliefs. "At first, it was memes and trends, then people started saying stuff about girls being the reason for everything that went wrong." It was here the process of radicalisation was happening: one video leads to another, one comment normalises another, and step-by-step a child can become surrounded and influenced by ideas they would've been sheltered from or rejected in the real world.
Saved from the slope
What helps those involved overcome this ideology isn’t punishment or lectures, or even censorship – it was connection and the feeling of being seen by others outside of the incel community.
Lucas explained: "When you feel listened to…you don't go on random groups online to tell you what to think." This here is the key: boys can leave these spaces when they find real support and aren't lectured into feeling guilt or shame for beliefs they may have previously shared.
These boys aren't lost; they are waiting to be found
The only way to tackle this issue is to confront it head-on. Boys need to feel safe enough to talk about loneliness, fear, crushes and confusion.
Emotional conversations need to be normalised, not rare or uncomfortable. We must teach boys that showing emotions and vulnerability isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of courage. If they feel safe expressing hurt, they won't feel the need to express anger.
Tech companies are just as at fault for these phenomena happening; they need to take responsibility for the content they push. Pressure companies to monitor misogynistic or radicalising content aimed at young users; by going to the source, the issue may be tackled from the top.
These boys aren't lost; they are waiting to be found.
The bottom line
Lucas escaped the pull of incel culture because his mother listened to him. She cared. She acted. Imagine if every boy had that support system; imagine how many people we could save, not just direct victims but also external victims that have been affected by this culture.
This is happening quietly, in bedrooms and school corridors, on phones, consoles and tablets. Together, we can combat this issue and fight against this culture in a movement to save the young boys of the future generation.
The question we need to answer is not, "Why are boys joining incel culture," but "Why are we leaving them alone long enough to get there?"
NB This article was written by a student journalist participating in Youth Voice Matters, a six-week community journalism project delivered by Ipswich.co.uk and Ipswich Community Media (ICM), in partnership with Volunteering Matters.
